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Romance after divorce

POSTED: October 22, 2009, 12:16 pm

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“The most important thing to focus on is closure.”

Making a decision to love again, to play again, to discover again is a brave one after divorce. Deciding again, to be in relationship and to share yourself with someone on an intimate level is one for celebration. This step suggests that you are feeling alive, awakened, ready for new possibilities, and ready for growth.

Romance after Divorce with No Children
The most important thing to focus on is closure. You cannot start something new, until you have truly ended the old. Nothing will erase the old relationship from your past. So let’s move forward without shame and regrets. But you cannot move forward until you have truly said “good-bye” to your ex. If you and your ex are still friendly, I mean friends, great! But if your ex is stalking, calling, or pining for something unresolved, you had best, turn off the celebration. Truly! If your ex is a stalker, can’t hear “no” that is one thing, and there are restraining orders. But, if you have not communicated clearly and put your past in order then you have to bravely look at some matters. Maybe, you are not quite ready to move to the next place.

Romance After Divorce WITH Children
You have two things to focus on, clear communication and the children. I will also quickly and strongly advise that if you are having ANY problems in the area of communication with your ex, you ought to get a mediator or coach ASAP, for the sake of your children, someone who can help you BOTH stay rational rather than emotional. A good mediator will help remind you of your agreed goals or help to formulate them and to keep things fair. Romance is out of the question and darn right impossible if you are not clearly communicating with your ex AND your children. Allow me to list some truths:
• Your ex will never be gone from your life. Never!
• Your children come first
• Your ex has a say in how to raise his/her children
• Your ex has a say or the right BEFORE your new love
• Your ex needs to be consulted about any decision involving your child. Your ex needs to be consulted before, you leave the state, the country, move in together, sleep over (even if it’s one night), etc.
• Speak up! Be clear and honest! If you don’t, your children will do it for you.
• You will never be, just you and your new love. You can snatch moments. You are now a blended family. Blended families make up a majority of families in the US. It is you, new love, ex, and maybe new love’s kids, ex’s new love, grand parents, in-laws and the list goes on.

Romance after divorce, with children, does not have to be a nightmare, but it does require focus on communication and a real commitment to your children. There is no room for selfish escapes. You can have romance, but the focus is very different. You have others to consider and respect. This is not the time to stomp your feet and demand your right to “Do You!”. You are a family and will always be a family. Get your family in order and go celebrate!
If you would like to use this article in your newsletter or blog please feel free to do as long as you include my credit information: Written by Sandra A. Daley, lifestyle and career coach, www.sandradaley.com

Sandra a. Daley is a certified lifestyle and career coach, who works with couples. She has been trained by the Stepfamily Foundation to work with blended families. Contact her at: info@sandradaley.com. If you liked this article, you may also enjoy “Living by Instinct”

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

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